Ok, fellas, I apologize for getting this out so late today. It probably would have done a lot more good if you had this information in advance of Mother's Day, but..... I got a little tied up with the vacuuming, dust mopping, grocery shopping etc., in preparation for a Mother's Day lunch this afternoon in honor of my wife, my mother in law, my daughter in law (a brand new Mom!) and various other relatives. And yesterday it was a full day of lawn mowing, weed whacking and porch painting, again in preparation for today's lunch. So I am pretty exhausted about now, ---- thank goodness Mother's Day only comes once every year, huh!!---- but I want to try to get this post up for the sake of all my Car Guy Brethren out there who may be able to benefit from it. Since it is really too late to help today, archive it and bring it out next year. Mother's Day is your Golden Opportunity!! Don't waste it ever again! This is Bank, fellas!
For those readers from around the world who may be unfamiliar with American Traditional Holidays, today is Mother's Day in the US. It is a day that we set aside to honor our Mothers, the Mothers of our children, and such like. We all celebrate it each in our own way, but generally flowers, romantic dinners, and schmaltzy cards are the order of the day. I personally try to set a little Special Time aside to honor one of my favorites, the Mothers of Invention, but that's just me.
Ok, so why is this day such a Golden ---- Not To Be Missed----Opportunity? You are all familiar, ---at least those among us who are in a relationship with a SO (Significant Other... a k a SWMBO*, in some circles) ---- to one extent or the other, with the trials and tribulations we endure as Car Guys. Frequently, our SOs are, shall we say, less than enthusiastic about our predilection for trailering home rusty buckets, for filling bins in the garage with spares, and for our frequent trips to the junkyard, car shows, etc. They will never understand, or appreciate, our excitement, for example when, upon opening the trunk lid of a rusty bimmer at the pick-n-pull, we find an unmolested full tool kit!!!
Step 1: Forget ever trying to change that. Accept it as a given, and accept the fact that there is nothing on earth that you can do to change it. Take a deep breath and .... let it go. See, don't you feel better already?
Step 2: Work with what you are given. The Car Guys Gods looked down on what they had created and said,: "Let there be Mother's Day." And It was Good.
Step 3: How to Make the Most Bank out of Mother's Day! Yeah. You don't get this stuff anywhere else, fellas.
1. Flowers. Those are those colorful, smelly plant things that you see at nurseries and at the front of the grocery store. Definitely grab a bunch of those, and find a schmaltzy card to go with it. Don't forget to SIGN it! Ask me how I know!
2. Mother's Day is the day to work only on HER car. Change the oil, lube it up. Let her know that this is for HER. Forget swapping that tranny, or that tuneup on your car. You are thinking ONLY of HER needs!
3. If her car doesn't need any of the above, spend the afternoon washing and waxing it. For extra bonus points, vacuum the interior AND clean the INSIDES of the windows! You have just made a friend forever, and scored BIG TIME points! Congratulations!
4. Do NOT, under any circumstances, buy a car today! Let her know in a subtle way that, no matter how sorely you are tempted, you are making this sacrifice for her.
5. If you really have a project that you MUST work on today,.... the key is to spin it properly: Tell her that normally you wouldn't even consider this but... since it is Mother's Day, and you are thinking ONLY of her, you will allow her to assist you in the garage for this ONE time. But she is not to get her hopes up that this will ever happen again, and she must be on her absolute BEST behavior, i.e., no mention of how yucky it is under there and and how dirty and smelly it is, etc. She needs to do her best to enjoy it. Steer clear of any references to things like "Brunch'. Be careful, it is a minefield out there.
6. Piece de Resistance! Take her out to a Romantic Dinner..... at a place that does NOT have a drive thru!! She will immediately know that THIS time it is for HER! Ok ..... now where could that be? That's right! I am thinking FIVE GUYS!!
I know, I know, it is a bit of a splurge, but think of it as an investment with a BIG payoff! Five Guys has it all: lighting, atmosphere, all the peanuts she can eat, a burger of her TOTAL creation... what more could a woman ask for!!!????
But don't just take MY word for it! Go into their Men's Room when you are there. You can read their rave reviews while standing at the urinal! These Five Guys folks have thought of everything!
Better yet, make sure SHE uses the Ladies Room. She will know that this is Real Class when she reads about their Zagat rating while powdering her nose. The Perfect Finale to a Perfect Mother's Day! Can I get an Amen, brother? !!
OK, there you have it! Pro Tips on how to make the most out of this Golden Opportunity known as Mother's Day! Now.... don't blow it, fellas! Take all this to heart, and believe me, you will reap the benefits of your efforts for years to come!
If all else fails, try a little tenderness, whatever that is. I have it on good authority from Otis whats-his-name, that this works, too. Hey, what the hell, it is worth a shot!
N.B. These are confidential Pro Tips developed over years of experience. Under NO circumstances should they be shared with your SO, and, God forbid, don't anyone let my wife see them!
Next Up: Father's Day! Yeah, where all this hard work and sacrifice really starts to Pay Off!!
Bonus Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention link:
*SWMBO = She Who Must Be Obeyed, from Rumpole of the Bailey, PBS Mystery Series.